You have your sole trader, we have our sole trader

The tree is up, the presents wrapped, and in the final flurry of getting stuff done I’ve put all my best ideas into the work I was actually paid for. So, if you have low self esteem or are easily bored, by all means read on.

It is important, when one is self-employed, to remember some of the trappings that make a regular job enjoyable, and at this time of the year, that means having a Christmas Party. As I am my own sales force, accounts department, tech team, PA and management, I wondered how we would all get on, and hoped that a few drinks and the season of goodwill would override any office politics. How wrong I was.

I had asked my PA, Ian, to source a restaurant, somewhere nice, you know, the kind of place where they show you the food before they cook it. I’m quite the foodie, see. So it was that Team Hawkins found ourselves glumly watching the rotating cone of meat before us in Ali Kebaba’s.

I’m beginning to have my doubts about my accounts team, Ian, who spent an unnecessary length of time working out the per head costs of our party (dividing by one seems almost beyond him. And this is the person I trust with my tax return). Then there was salesman Ian, something of the office joker, who photocopied his own bottom and faxed it to the Managing Director, Ian. Meanwhile, tech guy Ian was jotting stuff down, ‘for the blog’ whatever that is.

The less said about the Secret Santa, the better. Once again, Team Hawkins managed to display a startling lack of originality, and I don’t think anyone could hand-on-heart claim to have been surprised with the content of their badly-wrapped gift.

I went home straight after the meal, but I believe that PA Ian and Ian from sales went on to a club, the sort of evening which ends in confusion: why are all the bins all upside down? And then think again and realise that no, it is you who is upside down.

The Christmas break, fortunately, is just enough time for memories to wane, apologies to be offered where required, and I look forward to rejoining my team in the new year for more [insert mission statement].

Finally, if you have got this far, consider professional help. In the meantime, everyone at Hawkins Towers, AKA MacGuffin, wish readers, regular and irregular alike, a very happy Christmas, an extraordinarily merry New Year, and Winterval Wishes to everyone else.



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